


Deserving you

by jamsiesir (everything)



Series: 50_lovequotes [7]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Book 5: Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, Community: 50_lovequotes, Cross-Posted on Tumblr, Light Angst, M/M, Marauders Era (Harry Potter), POV Sirius Black
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-29
Updated: 2020-06-29
Packaged: 2021-03-04 05:00:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,121
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24978049
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/everything/pseuds/jamsiesir
Summary: «I will make sure it is hard for you to forgive me --» he clears his throat. «-- because I don't deserve it.»Because I don't deserve you.--Suddenly in a bad mood, he closed his eyes, letting his head fall back on the armrest. There he was - all alone once again.Did he deserve anything different?
Relationships: Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Series: 50_lovequotes [7]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1780588
Kudos: 6





	Deserving you

**Author's Note:**

> **[chickensaretherevolution](https://jamsiesir.tumblr.com/post/622191472898441216/hi-if-youre-still-doing-things-from-the-prompt)** asked: Hi! if you're still doing things from the prompt list, do you thing you could do 27 for wolfstar?  
> Based on this [list of prompts](https://jamsiesir.tumblr.com/post/620102107354251264/prompt-list) taken from 50_lovequotes livejournal community.
> 
> \--
> 
>  **A/N:** I have to say that this quote was so Remus to me, that I had to go and prove myself wrong by writing this from Sirius' pov. Also, the two stories may or may not be linked to each other - it's up to your interpretation.

Quote

27: _It's not that I want to have you. I want to deserve you._

\--

**One**.

It is so dark that Sirius can't see anything: the only reassurance he has that Remus is resting on the bed right next to his seat is that both Madam Pomfrey and his friend are creatures of habit; that has been Remus' sleeping spot after full moon since he came to Hogwarts. 

Sirius sighs, drawing the invisibility cloak tighter around himself before casting a wordless _lumos_ with his wand. Remus' condition is worse than he thought: James has already told him that, but to Sirius it has sounded like a very rude scolding instead of a real report on his own boyfriend's health. 

_Boyfriend._ As if Remus would like to still be with him after what he did - probably even _friend_ is too much of a word right now. 

He shouldn't have dealt with Snivellus after that bad meeting with Regulus and - and that nasty thing the Slytherin has done to James the morning before. 

His wand gives him a little bit of light and a chance to assess the reality of his actions: Remus is so pale; he looks so fragile with all those bandages that Sirius has to stop thinking for a moment, because he doesn't have it in him to keep on justifying himself like that when Remus is looking like this. 

One of his hands reaches out to touch Remus' right one and he caresses lightly the knuckles, one by one, trying not to wake him up. 

«I'm sorry,» he whispers from under the cloak. «I didn't realise what I had done until I told James and he --» Sirius swallows down a sob. «-- he stopped Snape before it was too late» his voice is barely audible. «You three always say that I'm not able to prove any remorse for whatever shit I do, but you're wrong,» only his nails are touching Remus' skin now, without applying any pressure. «I do think about every little shit that backfired against the three of you - every time you, Prongs and Wormtail got in trouble or hurt because of me» Sirius swallows, the voice now scratching his throat. «I'm quite good at taking the blame, so that's what I'm going to do» he straightens his back and brings his hand back inside the cloak. «I will make sure it is hard for you to forgive me --» he clears his throat. «-- because I don't deserve it.»

_Because I don't deserve you._

\--

**Two**.

The light coming from the window made the grey in Remus' hair stand out more than it was necessary, making him even more attractive than Sirius remembered. 

«Has it tried to bite you yet?» he asked, looking at the book the man is reading. 

«Twice, but I found a spell to freeze it under the cover» Remus replied, his mouth curving in a tight smile. 

Sirius put his drink down on the table, standing up to sit on the armrest of Remus' chair - arm relaxing on the back. His eyes skimmed through the lines of the page, squinting when some words became blurred.

«I told you that you need glasses,» said Remus, sounding sincerely amused. 

«Fuck you and your glasses» answered Sirius half-heartedly, moving his head forward, as if trying to read better. «I'm only thirty-four, I don't need glasses.»

Remus shook his head and kept on reading, waiting for Sirius to catch up before turning the page. From the way he moved, he seemed aware of the time the animagus was buying before telling him what was going on in his head. His head was cocked to the side while the phantom of a smile lingered on his mouth: Sirius was almost tempted to bury his nose into his hair, taking in his scent, before sliding down to caress the skin behind the ear - it was ridiculous how most of his tactile memories were still intact. He could still remember which were Remus’ erogenous zones, but he couldn’t say _when_ or _how_ he had found them out.

«You know, you _did_ make us feel ashamed of ourselves,» said Sirius, when he was sure the werewolf wasn't already too drawn by the book to understand him. The way Remus had brushed off his statement when they were speaking with Harry earlier didn't really sit well with him. «There was a time in which I think that, for me, the idea of disappointing you was worse than the one of disappointing everyone else» he confided, his cheek brushing against Remus' ear. «Then I did it, I let you down more than once and --»

«I let you down too, Pads,» replied Remus, turning his face so that they were watching each other. «You are quite good at taking the blame -- but you don't need to» taking a breath, he closed the book and moved into a more comfortable position, crossing his legs. His words tickled the back of Sirius’ mind, as if they were supposed to remind him of something. «We can share it -- we can divide it equally so that we don’t have to shoulder too much of it»

Sirius had always wondered how it was possible for Remus to still be this kind even after all of the things that had happened; it wasn’t fair, it was both _frustrating_ and amazing and it made him want to give him an ordinary life. To take him somewhere safe with him and Harry - to get the peace the three of them needed.

«When my name will be cleared» he promised himself under his breath. 

«Whenever you are ready» Remus replied, misunderstanding the meaning of his words. «I’ll be here.»

«Give me a few days» Sirius said, feeling like he has been repeating it over and over again in the last months. «I will --»

A loud noise interrupted him, making his mother’s portrait wake up from its slumber. «I’m sorry!» Tonks’ voice yelled, followed by Mad-Eye’s rough voice. 

Remus didn’t take his eyes off Sirius, giving him an expression that was both exasperated and amused. «I forgot that today I was supposed to patrol around muggle London with Tonks» he confessed, lips stretching. «I will try to get you a pair of glasses, uh?» he joked, standing up.

Sirius let himself slide down the armchair, so that he was sprawled on it a bit weirdly. «I will eat your shoes if you do.»

«Then, I should get you a muzzle.»

Sirius chuckled at that, following Remus’ figure with his eyes, as the man walked out of the room. Suddenly in a bad mood, he closed his eyes, letting his head fall back on the armrest. There he was - all alone once again.

_Did he deserve anything different?_


End file.
